One of the most common statements I hear from women when it comes to sexual dysfunction is, “I know it’s important to my husband, and I want to give that to him, but I just have zero desire for sex. I’m just broken!”
Our culture feeds us the line that there is only one kind of sexual desire. It tells us that sexual desire should suddenly appear, that it’s a wave of hormones that hit us out of the blue. We’re going about our day, filing paperwork, prepping meals, filling the car up with gas, and WHAM, we’re hit with an urge to have sex.
Now sometimes that happens, and when it does, it’s called, according to sex educator, Emily Nagoski, spontaenous desire. Many individuals experience spontaneous desire at least some of the time. Research seems to point toward men experiencing spontaneous desire far more often than women. Women are more likely to experience what is called responsive desire.
Responsive desire means that desire builds in *response* to positive sexual cues.
What does this mean? This means that a woman who finds herself in bed with her partner at the end of a long, tiring day, isn’t broken when she’s not interested in sex. It just means she lacks context for sexual excitement. She’s normal. Not broken. Too often our culture treats women as broken when their sexual response isn’t the same as men’s sexual response. We treat men’s response as the default normal, and anything less than that makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us.
Unfortunately, the idea that we’re broken is one extra hurdle to developing a satisfying sexual relationship with our partner.
Emily Nagoski gave a Ted Talk last year where she shared two keys to sexual well-being. They are confidence and joy. Nagoski states that confidence means knowing what is true about your body. Joy is loving what is true.
If you are someone who feels broken because your experience is not the spontaneous desire depicted in every romantic comedy you’ve ever seen, knowing that your desire, which builds in response to safety, loving connection, physical touch, or other sexually relevant stimuli, is normal, can help you know what it true about your body. Accepting this part of yourself as good and valid can help you love what it true.
For more details on these concepts, check out Emily’s Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_the_keys_to_a_happier_healthier_sex_life?language=en
For help working through sexual desire discrepancies in your relationship, or if you struggle to accept and love what is true about your body or your own sexual experience, schedule a session with Alice today. 801-944-4555