Marriage is one of the most important relationships, but it can also be one of the most confusing! There are so many false beliefs perpetuating about what a good marriage really looks like. And while we may know in our minds that other couples have struggles as well, it’s not always something we talk about. Here are 4 common marriage myths:
It seems that teens are tethered to their phones and they are reliant on them to help them navigate the world. As parents, we look back and wonder how in the world the kids of today would have survived without the buffer of social media. Would they be able to function if they had to speak face-to-face and have regular interpersonal communications without the crutch of a phone, ipad, or computer? Modern teens have grown up in a world where the technological advances of phones and other devices is constantly evolving. Phones and computers are made more intuitive to anticipate the user’s next move, and there seems to be an app for everything. The world is at our fingertips, 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days per year. However, with all of these advances in communication, parents and teens still complain that they don’t communicate or understand one another. Why?
Parents say that kids today just don’t know how to carry on conversations or talk to one another without a phone in their hand, and even then, they don’t talk. Look around next time you are somewhere that has a mix of both teens and adults and observe what you see. Is it just the teens on their phones, or are the parents on theirs too? Guess what parents? We are part of the problem! We are using our electronic devices to avoid in-person communication, too. It’s a lot easier to sit and scroll through Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, or watch a funny video or a Snap than it is to carry on a conversation with an acquaintance.We have become device dependent., and our kids are learning by watching us.
“But, I need to just check this email from work really quick!”
“But, I need to send off this text really quick before I forget.”
“But, I’m using social media to communicate with my kids.”
Obviously, these are all good reasons to use our devices. Life in our world relies on technology, but what is it costing us in our relationships? How can we strengthen relationships and communication with teens in the environment of social media?
Turn It Off
Actively unplug, take the devices off the table, literally, if even for just a few minutes. Eat a meal together, take a walk, hike your favorite trail, anything that enables conversations to happen organically. Giving your child your undivided attention lets them know that they are a priority to you.
Create Opportunities For Connection
Make space for a conversation to happen. Teens are faced with a lot of internal and external pressures, so they need a safe space, emotionally and physically, to vent their stress and frustrations. Teens are learning to self-regulate their feelings and parental support can bolster their efforts by validating what they are feeling.
Listen To Your Children
Don’t just hear them, but really listen to them. Sounds easy right? We are surrounded by sounds, but how often do we really listen? Listening takes practice; it is a skill. We often want to “fix” the problem, but often times advice isn’t the answer. They aren’t asking for the solution, they are asking for us to listen to their struggles. They are asking us to see them as capable of finding their own solutions and supporting them in trying.
So, let’s all put our phones away for a while and talk!
Do you find yourself saying “yes” more often than you would like to?
Do you ever find yourself thinking “no,” but then suddenly without warning, the word “yes” escapes your lips?
Do you feel that by saying “no,” you might offend or disappoint someone?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you may want to consider the following.
In her newly published book ,”The Assertiveness Guide for Women,” Dr. Julie Hanks LCSW explores the significance of the word “no.” She states, “Being able to say no has been a really important skill for me in keeping my priorities straight…it’s liberating to know that giving an honest no allows me to focus on what really matters most in my life.” Below are some examples of kind and positive go-to phrases she recommends:
“I want to but I’m unable to.”
“I just don’t have that to give right now.”
“I understand that you really need my help, but I’m just not able to say yes to that.”
“I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
“That’s just not going to work for me.”
Learning to say “no” can can be a gift you give to yourself. Doing so can prevent burnout, eliminate feelings of frustration, and promote a healthy sense of well-being.
So…… Just say, “NO.”
To schedule an appointment with Sue, call 801-944-4555.
John Gottman is a world renowned therapist that specializes in marriage therapy. I use several of his ideas and techniques when working with couples. Today, I want to share the idea of Love Maps with you.
Gottman talks about a marriage like a house. It is built from the foundation up. When the foundation is shaky, it creates instability in many other areas of the relationship. One way to strengthen your marriage foundation is to create a shared meaning and have good emotional intimacy. Love maps are a great place to start in creating this emotional intimacy. I have listed the questions to create a love map. The challenge is to sit down with your spouse and see how many questions they can answer. If they get the answer wrong, it creates a time that you can share thoughts and feelings in a safe way. Try it with your spouse! It will create a wonderful time of connection.
-Name my two closest friends.
-What was I wearing when we first met?
-Name one of my hobbies.
-What stresses am I facing right now?
-Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday.
-What is my fondest unrealized dream?
-What is one of my greatest fears?
-What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
-What is my favorite way to be soothed?
-What is my favorite get away place?
-What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel
-What are some of my favorite ways to work out?
-What medical problems do I worry about?
-What was my most embarrassing moment?
-Name one of my favorite movies.
-What is my favorite restaurant?
Rachel is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She loves working with couples in distress, and those looking to make their relationship better.
Call 801-944-4555 and make an appointment to find new ways to strengthen your relationship.
The concept of assertiveness is one of my favorite topics, and I’m excited to share some of the key points from my new book “The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Relationships.”
What is assertiveness exactly? Contrary to what some may think, it’s not being pushy, rude, or aggressive. In the book, I define assertiveness as the ability to reflect on one’s past and present experiences, manage one’s difficult emotions, and clearly express oneself while also being open to someone else’s perspective (that’s quite a definition, right!). Some women may fear or shy away from assertiveness because they think it will threaten their relationships, but practicing it is actually the only way to get your needs met while also maintaining a closeness with others.
We’ve all been there. We believe our relationship with our spouse (or partner) is going south. Yet we’re too busy to give it the time that it needs. We’ll get to it. We really will!
The problem is, we never seem to actually “get to it.”
And if we ever really do find the time to get to it, we’ve become so much like angry “roommates” that even talking about improvement leads to yet another argument. Ouch!
Here are the 5 best kept marriage relationship secrets to get your relationship game back where it needs to be.
(These examples are not gender specific. Please swap male/female where needed)
1- Self-Care for You
Since you can’t change your husband, you need to work on changing you. To do otherwise is like having a bee land on your hand and swatting at your husbands face to get rid of the hornet. You’ve solved nothing and likely got a nasty sting in the process. Change can feel as painful as a surprise bee sting. Take back your self-care life gradually by beginning TODAY. You deserve it!
2- Ditch the Past
Relationships that live in the past repeat the past. If you truly desire a better relationship, stop it! An example is when a wife believes in her heart that “…he will never understand me.” Or “he will never meet my need for ‘_______’ (fill in the blank).” This belief will only perpetuate itself with hurt feelings. A much better way to manage the past is live in the PRESENT. Tell him what you need. Expect him to step up to the relationship plate by trusting that he will do it. Risk and actually ASK him. It really works!
Grab a friend, sister, neighbor and come to my day-long workshop for Mormon women. Understand cultural influences that may have silenced your authentic voice, and learn and practice the 5 steps of assertive communication. Details and ticket information below. Early-bird pricing ends soon (save $50) and seating is limited. Can’t wait to spend the day with you!
By now you’ve probably seen Jason Headley’s parody on marital communication called, “It’s not about the nail.” [If not, let’s catch you up to speed…]
As comical as the sketch is, let’s be honest… there’s a lot of truth to it!
As a therapist who works with couples struggling to communicate, here are three recommendations for each partner in the relationship. For the speaker:
Request a specific time to talk
There’s nothing like trying to have a conversation when one or both parties are distracted by work, their phone, or a child. Instead, make important conversations a priority by intentionally setting aside time.
“Honey, do you have a minute later to talk about _____ after dinner? “
Explicitly ask for what you need
Sometimes part of the problem is that we don’t know what we need. Stating this at the beginning of a conversation, or providing our partner with suggestions sets them up to succeed at meeting our needs in the conversation. “Sweetheart, I’m really struggling with _____. Would you mind just listening for a minute.”
Say what you mean, and mean what you say
Your partner is not a mind-reader. “But wait. If he/she really loves me, shouldn’t they just know to ______?” Maybe, but if they aren’t getting it by now and it’s creating a problem for you, it’s in your best interest to bring it up.For the listener:
Be mindful of your body language. Do your best to help your partner know and feel that you are engaged in the conversation. As you listen, make sure your focus is on understanding your partners message, and not your response or rebuttal.
Reflect back what you heard
Often, the process of just listening to your partner’s message/issue can lead to a resolution quicker than providing a solution. Reflecting back their message not only helps make sure you understand it correctly, but it also helps them know you get it, and feel understood.
“So if I understand you correctly, you feel ______. Did I get that right?”
Empathize & Validate
This is crucial. The most effective communicators are able to empathize and validate their partner’s perspective, even when they disagree. Showing empathy and validating emotions is one of the quickest ways to diffuse an emotionally charged conversation.
“You know, I hate feeling criticized and attacked too. So when you tell me that that is how you feel, I can totally understand why you’re so upset.”In conclusion, it may or may not really be “about the nail,” but when it comes to relationships, there’s no question that improving your communication is the right choice, every time.