Games are a fun family activity. But how important is winning for children? Should parents play full out, or are there times when they should let kids win?
In an article that’s going viral, a blogger who goes by The Lunchbox Dad says when he and wife “play board games, sports, card games, or hopscotch with our kids-we don’t let them win. We never have.”
LCSW Julie Hanks had the opportunity to discuss this topic with other Studio 5 contributors. Her main view was that games are a good way to teach children that accomplishments do not equal self-worth. If a child loses, a parent can help him/her understand that winning isn’t everything. This is an opportunity to model what a good winner….and a good loser looks like. The comfort of home may be the perfect place for a child to experience losing a competition.
Another point that came up in the discussion is that whether or not parents let their kids win is perhaps best based on their age. Young children may get a much needed confidence boost from feeling that they’ve won, but with teenage kids, parents probably want to bring their A game.
Do you get very upset or angry easily? Have you ever been accused of being hot-headed? If you respond with intensity and emotion that is disproportionate to the situation at hand, you are overreacting.
Julie Hanks recently had an article published in the August edition of Community Orange Magazine where she discussed strategies to keep calm and appropriately respond to stressful situations. Here are a few basic ways to keep from overreacting.
Click here to read the full article about ways to keep your cool.
These days, more and more women with children are choosing to work from home. This has many advantages: increased flexibility, spending more time with the kids, and supplementing the family income are all attractive reasons to pursue work opportunities from home. But there are unique challenges as well: these women have constant interruptions and may experience difficulty concentrating with the distractions of home life. Here are 5 survival skills for work-at-home moms:
Have you ever been annoyed by certain habits or quirks of your partner that you once found endearing? Perhaps you were drawn to a man because you admired his work ethic, but then later came to see him as a workaholic. Or maybe you initially liked how a woman was dedicated to physical fitness, but eventually felt she was self-absorbed. This phenomenon, which experts refer to as a fatal attraction, can wreak havoc on relationships.
Julie Hanks had the opportunity to give her insight on this topic in a new Wall Street Journal article out today entitled, “How to Cope When You and Your Partner are Falling Out of Love.” She and other relationship experts discuss how to appropriately handle this fatal attraction in such ways as recognizing that every character trait has pros and cons, reflecting on what you do appreciate about your romantic partner, and considering how the other person brings balance to the relationship.
There’s an art to good conversation, and sometimes we don’t get it quite right. When it comes to conversational mishaps, there’s impolite…and then there’s annoying. Certain patterns are not only irritating but also don’t work or move the relationship forward. Here are five conversational pet peeves to avoid (we’re all guilty of at least a few!) :
The following is a guest post by Dr. Traci Lowenthal of Creative Insights Counseling.
Having a child come out (reveal that he/she is gay/ lesbian/ transgender, etc.) can be extremely difficult for parents. For Christian families in particular, these words can create a flood of intense, painful emotions. It is possible, however, to navigate this part of your family’s journey in a healthy, positive way. Here are some ways to explore this stage of life for your family.
One of the first things I counsel families to do is slow down and breathe. The person who delivered this news is still your child, the same child you love and adore! And the fact that your child told you he/she is gay speaks volumes about your relationship. He/she trusted you enough to share this with you. Your child felt comfortable being open and honest, rather than keeping this from you. Also, recognize the courage it required to tell you. Can you imagine how afraid your child was? Honor his/her bravery by expressing your love and appreciation.
Allow Yourself to Feel what You Feel
It’s also important to own any discomfort you may have, rather than suppressing any negative feelings and trying to pretend everything is okay. Don’t be afraid to carefully let your child know that things are hard for you. You might say something like, “This is really new for me. I love you like I always have, but I need some time to think things through.” You can affirm your love for your child while still creating space for all the feelings that come with this new experience. Some of your emotions may include anger, grief, sadness, guilt, blame, fear, worry, disgust, shock, shame and many others. Whatever feelings come up, let them be present. Give yourself time to experience those feelings (rather than avoiding them).
While it is vital for you to process all your emotions concerning your child coming out to you, certain things are best processed away from your child. Realize that your child is already going through a lot, and you can work out your own feelings without compounding how difficult things are for him/her. Share your thoughts with a trusted friend or family member. For some parents, seeing a therapist or other counseling professional can be an effective way to process thoughts and reactions in a safe, supportive environment. It’s also helpful to educate yourself and connect with others that may be experiencing this same life transition. PFLAG (Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays) is an excellent resource. PFLAG’s website (PFLAG.org) has many opportunities for support and education as you move toward a greater understanding for your child.
As with any emotionally difficult experience, this is a time to really care for yourself and do things that help you feel nurtured. If prayer is something that brings you comfort, pray! If you’re an exercise enthusiast, get in a great workout several times over the next few months. Seek out activities that bring you enjoyment and a sense of peace. Gardening, yoga, meditation, dinner with close friends, and walks are all ways to create calmness in your life as you begin to understand that path that you and your loved one are on. Often, grief is a substantial part of learning that a loved one is gay. Grief stems from the loss of the future life you had imagined for your child. Reassure yourself, though, your child’s life may be just as full as love, purpose, and meaning as you’ve always dreamed, just in a different way than you expected.
When all else fails, reflect on your family’s past experiences. Chances are, you’ve traversed some pretty difficult circumstances and continued to thrive. This is no different! With education, compassion and thoughtful conversation, your family can become even closer than before. And remember, breathe.
Dr. Traci Lowenthal is the owner/operator of Creative Insights Counseling, a full service counseling agency in Redlands and Claremont, California, serving individuals, families, and couples. Explore more of Dr. Lowenthal’s work by visiting creativeinsightscounseling.com.
Empathy is the skill to understand the world from another person’s point of view and then to act based on that understanding. It may be hard to believe but empathy starts young. After experiencing a particularly trying day, tears ran down my cheeks. It did not take more than a minute for my 3-year old daughter to grab a towel and begin to wipe them away. This was her way of showing empathy for me, her mother. I was touched by her actions and hoped she would keep this sweet quality forever.
As parents we can assist our children in developing and fostering empathy. Below are six creative ways where you and your child can begin to take the risk together.
When Hurt Turns to Anger, Turns to Shame, Turns to Fear: Tips to Start the School Year out Right
It seems to me that every new school year my kids (and yours) face more and more adversity. I often find myself (as a parent) wishing I was better at preparing my children to face bulling, rejection, shameful feelings, and self-confidence issues. My girls and foster children have struggled with these issues. In my research and personal experience, I have found not one thing works on all children, but if I can do my best at consistently being receptive to my children’s emotions, teach empathy, validate feelings, and come up with a way to solve a problem—that works! But first I have to consistently rid myself of my own fears and mirror disappointments and fear in a healthy way. To live well, we must grieve well.
When we are shamed with anger and rage, our underlined emotion or reaction is fear. One fear I will discuss is that of rejection. There is no greater shameful pain of loss than that of rejection. Fear of rejection can result in great loss for anyone. Rejection for someone may mean that they are unlovable or unwanted. When going through a battle of feelings of rejection or loss we (especially children) need social support, feelings of mirrored affection, time, self-talk, and emotional coaching. I will admit, rejection is a hard pill to swallow for me. There is no way to escape rejection or loss in this human life. The important thing is how we deal with it. Here are some tips for getting the ball rolling for success with coaching your child about fear of rejection and bulling.
Fear of rejection is the center of bulling in my eyes. When shame cries out—fear of rejection and hurt screams—and we become a bully, even to ourselves. Many of my foster children bullied and were bullied. Kids and adults sometimes wanted to shame them for their actions and could render no empathy when they were being bullied. Once again, fear of rejection, being left out, being unloved is the root of this pain! Shame or fear does not help children to feel like a worthy person, but understanding and love does. Teach the feeling behind the fear and then strive to help that person change their negative views of themselves.
Validation is number one! First and forth right. This takes TIME. Validate your child’s feelings and concerns. As a teacher, parent, friend, or peer, children need to feel heard and understood, don’t we all. This is a universal concept, but do we really do it? Or are we good at it? I know it takes practice for sure. I have not always been validated in my life and I have had to learn how to do this with my children. In addition, remember to teach your children to validate themselves. People (and the world) are not always going to validate them. So the next thing to teach is self-talk and how to trust and love themselves first so they do not need to bully their self-concept or others.
Stand tall, look confident, tell yourself you are worth it—is sometimes hard to do. Why is that? Are we taught that we should just know that we have worth? It is hard sometimes for an adult to overcome fears and self-talk ourselves to a happier tomorrow, let alone a child. But I also think children now days are very resilient because of parents and caregivers like you that have taught them to stick up for themselves, try a little harder, and be proud of who they are. But some kids just plain and simple have a harder time with self-talk. Research shows children that suffer from ADHD and autism lack skills in self-talk. Yet, I believe like many things, it takes practice. Through therapeutic techniques, these can be taught and improved. Here some ideas. I have used visual aids to help remind kids to rid those bad thoughts that creep in. You can even use a small item (ex. small smooth rock, string, necklace) that they can take to school that remind them that they are special and to self-talk themselves every time they touch it. You can repeat or chant words to yourself while doing an activity like-
“No matter what others say or do, I am still a worthy person.”
“The more I like myself, the more others like themselves.”
“I ______like myself and I am a lovable person.”
“I am special because______.”
Another way to make sure your child’s underlining fear or anger is understood is by teaching skills of recognizing their own feelings. If a child can not recognize what is going on with their body or heart, then they will not be able to regulate themselves. One of my most favorite books is Raising an Emotional Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Phd. Emotional coaching is key in helping your child be more aware of how they are feeling and how safe they feel about their feelings—thus they can self-regulate better. According to Gottman’s research, emotion-coaching parents had children that later went on to be “emotionally intelligent” people. They simply could regulate their own emotions and could calm their heart rate down faster. They had fewer infectious illnesses, better attention, and they could socially relate to others, thus better friendships. When a parent or caregiver help a child cope with negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, and fear it builds bridges of loyalty and worth. Bridges, in my opinion, that will become a foundation of utmost importance for their understanding of their own self-concept.
When hurt, fear or shame turns into rejection of self or others, give your child the tools to combat the bully of the mind or on the playground by giving them comfort, self-talk, and emotional coaching.
In today’s media we hear more and more about the negative effects bullying has on Americas youth. As parents we do everything we can to protect our kids from help becoming the victim of bully behavior, but what if our teen is the bully? Here are 4 signs to look for and ways to empower your teens to take a stand against bully behavior.