The arena is full of screaming fans losing their minds in anticipation of your arrival on the stage. The laser light show (which has been through rigorous test runs during pre-show rehearsal) is perfectly sync’d with your guitarist’s heavy monster riffs, your powerhouse vocal range, your bassist’s thumping bass licks, and your drummer’s pounding drum kicks. Your big moment arrives as you make a fashionably late but unforgettable entrance onto the stage and you slay the audience with your ferocious yet infectious energy. The crowd is electrified and shouting in unison back to you the lyrics to your well-crafted and polished songs. You move on to the next city. Repeat. Life as a rock star couldn’t be grander. What does this brilliant analogy have to do with you and some of the issues you may be facing? Everything when you incorporate the S.T.A.R. method.
What is S.T.A.R. you ask? Let me break it down for you:
S = Stop
T = Think
A = Act
R = Review
When we are bogged down with anxiety, depression, and other life struggles we tend to neglect the inner ROCK S.T.A.R. within us. When we stop – we allow ourselves the opportunity to consider the alternatives which gives us time to think – about what our actions and perceptions create within ourselves. With this critical information we are able to act – in ways that are beneficial to staying true to the simple universal truth that we are all capable of doing amazing rock star like things and for that we can happily review – our renewed sense of confidence in our ability to handle ourselves like the rock stars that we are. We too can slay our struggles like our favourite entertainers do to audiences on a regular basis.
LCSW Clair Mellenthin recently appeared on KUTV to discuss why some moms are unfortunately mean to other moms. She explains that it almost always comes back to insecurity: women who don’t feel good about themselves as mothers or lack confidence are more likely to lash out and belittle others. Sometimes there is tension between moms who stay at home and moms who work. This too is usually fueled by insecurity or the need for a mom to try to “prove” she is better.
What’s a good way to deal with a mean mom you may encounter? One way would be to avoid such a person, but what if it’s the mother of one of your child’s friends? Clair says that if you find yourself in the company of a mom who begins insulting others, simply giving positive input can stop the conversation. She always explains that it’s okay to be brave, say you’re uncomfortable, or even change the subject completely.
“What if I’m the mean mom?”
If you are a mom and find yourself being rude, judgmental, or mean to other moms, it’s a good idea to look inward. What insecurity or pain is causing you to project negativity onto others? Try cultivating gratitude for small things in your life to counter the temptation to be mean to others. Finding ways to be happy and confident can help you be more kind and considerate to other moms.
Watch the video for more about how to deal with mean moms.
One of the things I have learned about the most as a parent of multicultural kids is the importance of being mindful and staying in the moment. This isn’t the easiest thing to do and yet, it’s one of the best things to do. You’ll see lots of parents blogging about how they’ve stopped yelling or stopped using their electronic devices as a way to be more mindful and present with their kids. Being mindful has its benefits in that it allows you to pay attention in the moment and, as parents, to use the moment to create meaningful connection with our kids.
As a multicultural parent, the same goal applies when being mindful in those quick moments of questioning that kids give us ever so often. When it comes to addressing cultural differences, many times we experience a hesitation that is just quick enough to send a message to our kids that “we don’t talk about differences.” And, in our not-so-great moments, we scold our kids for asking an age or developmentally appropriate question based on our own discomfort around differences.
When we are mindful we can create teaching moments in response to our kids’ curiosity by engaging in the present moment as it’s happening. There is a balance to doing this because you want to do it in a way that intentionally educates, demystifies, and normalizes differences so that you can connect with your child comfortably and confidently.
We’ve all met those people that seem to offer up more criticism than healthy advice or positive reinforcement. Learning how interact with those overly critical people without letting them bring you down can be a very difficult thing. Sometimes we may be able to simply walk away from them, but other times we are forced to have those people around us. If you ever struggle with this, here is an article with some of my thoughts and tips on how to more effectively respond to the critical people in your life.
Many of our lives are hectic, busy, and can become stressful. As humans it’s not unusual for us to feel angry at times and want to lash out when our buttons have been pushed. Some believe that getting their anger out is a form of catharsis and is the best way to overcome one’s negative feelings towards another.
Jeffrey Lohr, a psychology professor who studied “Venting in the Treatment of Anger” said, “Venting may make you feel different in the moment, but the change in emotional state doesn’t necessarily feel better; it may just feel less bad.” People may vent in all sorts of ways including punching a pillow, blowing up at another person, yelling and screaming, confronting someone immediately after the offense, slamming doors, or using social media as an outlet to rant about their anger.
Can children raised in dual-income households be happier than children raised by a stay-at-home parent? According to a landmark survey done by Ellen Galinsky (1999, 2005) the answer is yes! Galinsky found that children overwhelmingly endorse having both fathers and mothers working. It appears that the concern over who should work and how much they should work is largely limited to us as parents.
So what do children worry about? Through Galinsky’s surveys she found that children are focused on the time they have with their parents at home. They are concerned that when their parents are home, they be less stressed and tired and more emotionally available to them. Insert therapy buzzword [balance].
As parents we strive for balance, and whether or not they tell us directly, our children desire a balanced home. Here are ten practices that can support you and your partner as you work to attain balance in your home.
-Prioritize family time and well-being
-Emphasize overall equality and partnership, including joint decision making, equal influence over finances, and joint responsibility for housework
-Equally value each other’s work and life goals
-Share parental duties and “emotional work” of family life
-Maximize paly and fun at home
-Concentrate on work while at the workplace (If your home is also your workplace, make sure there is a well defined boundary between workspace/work time, and family space/family time)
-Take pride in family and in balancing multiple roles, and believing the family benefits from both parents working (rather than adsorbing the dominant cultural narrative of harm)
-Live simply, which includes limiting activities that impede active family engagement
-Adopt high but realistic expectations about household management; employing planning strategies that save time
-Be proactive in decision making and remain conscious of time’s value
Adapted from Normal Family Processes: Growing Diversity and Complexity, Fourth Edition By Froma Walsh PhD MSW
Perfectionism, the constant fear of failure and simply “not feeling good enough.” To a perfectionist mistakes are indications of personal flaws and the only way for acceptance is to be perfect. Our high expectations often leave us feeling inadequate and falling short of what we could be. But nobody is perfect at life, nothing is meant to be flawless. When we realize we are not expected to be perfect and that we are here to learn, we are able to develop compassion for ourselves and others.
This perfectionistic trait can easily be passed down to our children because they feel like they are not good enough in their parent’s and their own eyes. Here are some ideas to help interfere with this vicious cycle:
Women’s DBT Skills Group is a 3-series skills group that teaches basic skills
such as how to manage your emotions so they dont control your life-how
to cope effectively with difficult relationships- and learning how to
react calmly rather than impulsively in order to avoid unhealthy
escapes. This 3 module skill group will run in 6 week segments and
all are necessary to have lasting success.
Series 1: (6 weeks / Mar. 10 – Apr. 14) Mindfulness and Distress Tolerance
Series 2: (6 weeks / Apr. 21 – May. 26) Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
Series 3: (6 weeks / Sept. 8 – Oct. 13) Mindfulness and Interpersonal Effectiveness
There are all sorts of advice out there on how to improve ourselves and our relationships. Some of those pieces of advice become so popular that we start implementing them across the board. The problem with this is that even some of the most common thoughts or ideas that have been put out there about mental health are not always the most healthy or helpful in different situations. Then, when we try to follow these ideas and they don’t work, we blame ourselves and often give up.
Click the link below to read about some of the most common pieces of bad advice you may be following, and why you might want to think about doing things a little differently.