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Ask a Therapist: How do I get hubby to turn off his cell phone?

Q: “My big question is how do you tell your spouse to turn off his cell phone?”

I am a stay-at-home mom so as soon as hubby gets home from work, my mouth keeps going
about my day, then the cell phone rings, but he has to take the call
because that is our income. So what do you do? He has to take the call
no matter what time of day because it could mean more money for us,
but wow, I want him to listen to me. What do I do?”

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Marriage Q&A – What if I’m never “in the mood”?

This is one of the most common issues I see with couples in therapy. Part 2 of Q & A for Jan. 2010 Wasatch Woman Magazine

Q: After 10 years of marriage my husband complains that I don’t desire him physically. He feels hurt that I don’t initiate lovemaking and that I’m rarely “in the mood”. I love my husband, find him attractive, but sex rarely crosses my mind. Should I have sex even when I’m not in the mood?

(read my answer on pg 17…)
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Julie Hanks, LCSW, owner & clinical director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC, specializes in women’s emotional and mental health, couples counseling, and family therapy, and has been in the mental health field for 20 years. A popular media contributor, watch Julie on KSL TV’s Studio 5, read her advice in the national media on E! Online, AOL Health, MSN.com, subscribe to her weekly podcast the You and Yours show on The Women’s Information Network.

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Marriage Q&A – Is date night too much to ask?

I write regularly for  “Wasatch Woman Magazine” on emotional health and relationships. Here’s yesterdays issue which includes my advice on readers questions.

Q: My husband and I spend most weekend evenings attending our children’s sporting events and never go out on dates. He says it’s because he wants to make sure we’re there to support our kids during this short time window of time before they grow up, but I’m feeling increasingly resentful, hurt, and neglected by him. What should I do?

(read Julie’s advice on pg. 17…)

Can you relate? Do you and your spouse have a regular date night?

____________________________________________________________________

Julie Hanks, LCSW, owner & clinical director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC, specializes in women’s emotional and mental health, couples counseling, and family therapy, and has been in the mental health field for 20 years. A popular media contributor, watch Julie on KSL TV’s Studio 5, read her advice in the national media on E! Online, AOL Health, MSN.com, subscribe to her weekly podcast the You and Yours show on The Women’s Information Network.

Cialis vs Viagra it is old dispute between two similar medicines which stand by the way almost equally. but here not a task how to decide on a choice and to start using one of them. Viagra vs Cialis much kontsentrivany cialis which is on sale in the form of powder and we use it as required emergency. but nevertheless what harm they neninut especially if the birch costs.

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Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (part 2)

Learn more about EFT in part 2 of Julie Hanks, LCSW’s interview with Scott Wooley, PhD on KJZZ 14’s Home Team

Learn more about our couples group based on EFT

Schedule an initial marriage/couples counseling session

Cialis vs Viagra it is old dispute between two similar medicines which stand by the way almost equally. but here not a task how to decide on a choice and to start using one of them. Viagra vs Cialis much kontsentrivany cialis which is on sale in the form of powder and we use it as required emergency. but nevertheless what harm they neninut especially if the birch costs.

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Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (part 1)

Learn more about the most effective couples therapy to date as Julie Hanks, LCSW interviews Scott Wooley, PhD, an international trainer in EFT on KJZZ TV 14’s “Home Team” show.

Watch part 2 of this TV interview

Learn more about our couples group based on EFT

Schedule an initial marriage/couples counseling session

Cialis vs Viagra it is old dispute between two similar medicines which stand by the way almost equally. but here not a task how to decide on a choice and to start using one of them. Viagra vs Cialis much kontsentrivany cialis which is on sale in the form of powder and we use it as required emergency. but nevertheless what harm they neninut especially if the birch costs.

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Gifts of Self: All he wants for Christmas is you

What are you getting your spouse or loved one for Christmas?

Our Director, Julie Hanks, LCSW was invited to contribute a “Love” article for Winter 2010 issue of Latter-day Woman Magazine…

“Finding the perfect gift for your spouse is an exciting part of the holiday season. But fighting crowds to snag one of the latest must-have items and squeezing money out of a tight budget can make gift-giving stressful. While I wouldn’t mind a new iPad under the tree this year, (listening, Santa?) the best gifts are those that don’t require money, but require thought and time and emotional awareness.”

Read my tips on giving meaningful gifts of self…

Read Article online

Download PDF

What’s been the most meaningful gift you’ve ever received, and why?

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What John Wayne Left Out

Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.

I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”

When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.

Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…

Todd Dunn

Dr. Todd Dunn

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men’s mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.

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Defusing an Arguement With Your Spouse

Therapist Jill Zuniga, APC shares insight on how to to stop and escalating spat with your spouse in this online Q&A interview

Jill Zuinga Wasatch Family Therapy

Jill Zuniga, APC

with AssociatedContent.com

Arguments often begin with discussions and escalate into disagreements. What elevates these disagreements is the refusal to stop and listen to the other person’s point of view. When we argue, we believe that what we have to say is most important. When the other person does not stop to listen, it makes the desire to prove our point that much more intense. Because we are so determined to have the other hear us, we do not stop to listen to them and it becomes a vicious cycle that we become too emotionally involved in to stop. If each person views the discussion as a way to find a solution to the issue, arguments can be avoided.

Read the entire article here

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Shrek’s Midlife Crisis

Shrek can help us all prevent a neutral stall from becoming a tragic fall!

by Melanie Davis, Mental Health Student and WFT Volunteer

Have you ever had a time when you felt a little stuck? Life may have felt mundane, uneventful and somehow the same scenario of events seemed to present itself daily. You may begin to realize that there was one point in time where all the routine and daily tasks made you happy. All of a sudden you wonder who’s life you are really living because it no longer feels exciting enough to be yours.

It appears from the latest release of Shrek that mid-life crisis do not discriminate by gender, or even human form. In the most recent release of Shrek Forever After (2010 Release), I couldn’t help but notice the screaming mid-life crisis that almost cost Shrek his life partner, three little ogre cubs, and his peaceful and happy life.

Are we all susceptible to this type of mid-life crisis? Have you ever felt the uneasiness of wondering if your life is stuck in neutral, or just for a moment found yourself pondering the great unknown? Playing out daydream scenarios that sound something like… how would it be, if? If I could go back to when I was in my 20’s with no body fat, if… If could get my so called “ogre roar back again”! In modern day society, many refer to this life stall, or stuck in neutral phase as a “mid-life crisis”.

Many times this mid-life crisis phase of life is stereotypically awarded to men alone. Despite what you may have heard, hitting a neutral spot can happen to men and women alike. It can also happen at various stages and points in life. Even possibly occurring on more than one occasion in one person’s life. Many times this neutral state in life drives people to take risks and gamble fortunes they can never regain, only to realize that they could have processed the situation differently and taken a different path to dealing with the feelings associated with feeling stuck.

Could it be that we could all possibly learn from Shrek’s adventure into exploring the perceived ‘greener grass’ on the other side of the village? Could we possibly find ways to embrace a possible mid-life crisis as an opportunity to open a new door into something that could improve our lives, without losing those we love and our sanity all in the same leap to a solution? There is!

Tips for getting out of neutral…. Examine
Communicate, Add/Take-Away and Reassess…

Examine.

Examine what is really getting to you. You may initially feel like all of life is boring and everything must change in order to recover your satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. When in reality it may just be one aspect of your life that is causing this dissatisfaction. Examine the different areas of your life, work, family, personal endeavors and see which might need your attention.

Communicate.

Communicate with the loved ones around you, especially your immediate family. They may sense that you are not “yourself” and feel concerned or to blame. Share what is going on, and that you are working through identifying some new ways to improve yourself and your personal well being. Communicating with children and partners can allow them to understand and not personalize your mid-life crisis.
Add or take away. After you examine what might be the source of this life stall, you may identify some things or activities that could be added or taken away from your life to improve your satisfaction. Are you over booked or accepting responsibilities that overwhelm you? Or is it time to try to learn something new in life, try a new hobby, learn how to play an instrument or learn a new language. Creating an inventory of your life goals and aspirations can support you in determining what might be useful to add or take away.

Reassess.

Reassessing your level of satisfaction and progress out of your mid-life crisis is crucial. As you add new things to your life that may contribute to more life satisfaction. Or in the same light remove responsibilities from your life that may be holding you back. Reassess the emotional results of that change. Are you feeling better? Are you still feeling stuck, or are things improving? Equally assess the potentially negative impact of removing or adding this new thing to your life.

Tips for the Supporter!

Finally, tips for the person supporting the individual facing a mid-life crisis. If you have noticed that someone in your life may be stuck, or feeling like their life is in neutral, do your best to be supportive and not to take it personal. Be a cheerleader for your partner in supporting the adoption of the steps above to possibly help in alleviating some of the monotony in their life. A supportive and understanding partner can aid in reducing withdrawal, opening up communication channels and being a part of the change, rather than a bystander. This positive support may lead to improvements in both of your lives and your relationship.

In all situations the severity of the situation can only be assessed by the people involved. If you find that there are more serious or deeper rooted issues, consider seeking mental health support as an individual, couple or family.

What’s your take on mid-life crisis?

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Emotional Affairs

E! asked our Wasatch Family Therapy director Julie Hanks, LCSW “What exactly is an emotional affair?” Read what she has to say HERE

Cialis vs Viagra it is old dispute between two similar medicines which stand by the way almost equally. but here not a task how to decide on a choice and to start using one of them. Viagra vs Cialis much kontsentrivany cialis which is on sale in the form of powder and we use it as required emergency. but nevertheless what harm they neninut especially if the birch costs.

More