Men’s Issues
Married Men Have Better Sex
Finally, there’s some definitive evidence to suggest the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. There is a popular sentiment that married men feel stuck, unsatisfied and terribly jealous of their single friends, who seem to have all the fun. This sentiment has been carried on by movies like It’s a Wonderful Life, and more recently by The Family Man or The Change-Up. It seems as though at times married men question if being married is worth it. Well, in a new article by Everyday Health.com, research suggests there are many ways men benefit from tying the knot, and some may surprise you.
Get To Know The Wasatch Family Therapy Team (Video)
Get to know our Wasatch Family Therapy therapists and their specialty areas, learn more about why we do what we do, and hear about my vision for Wasatch Family Therapy 9 years ago when it was a solo practice.
Julie Hanks ranked #1 Among the Top 10 Online Influencers for Depression: Sharecare
Julie Hanks, LCSW was recently named Number 1 of the Top 10 Online Influencers for Depression. SharecareNow a site created by Jeff Arnold and Dr. Mehmet Oz in partnership with Harpo Studios, HSW International, Sony Pictures Television and Discovery Communications, is highlighting the positive impact that people are having for individuals suffering from depression during Seasonal Depression Awareness Month (December). According to SharecareNow, Julie is the most prominent online influence affecting the lives of millions who are suffering from depression.
Here’s how top influencers are ranked…
Who’s Wearing the Pants Now? Part One
To put it bluntly, the male gender is struggling. Currently, for every two college degrees earned by men, women earn three. The majority of the nation’s jobs are held by women, who have seen their overall earnings grow 44% since 1970. Over the same period of time, men’s earnings have grown just 6%. During this recession, three quarters of the jobs lost were by men, and of the 15 job categories projected to grow the most over the coming decade, only two are occupied primarily by men. Most alarmingly, while only one in twenty working-age men were unemployed in 1950, today that ratio has increased to one in five.
Battered Men: A Different Perspective
Check out a national blogtalkradio interview I did on “wellness for the real world with Dr. Veronica Anderson”. This interview included several contributors from academicians, authors, family lawyers, therapists and male victims. We discuss the change in popular belief about violence and the increased awareness of males who are victims of violence. This was done in a way that does not diminish the seriousness of female victims, but increases the understanding and experiences of male victims. My specific segment focused primarily on types of violence and the more recent finding that situational couple violence (where both partners are violent with each other) leads to more injury than violence where there is only one perpetrator. The whole segment can be found here or listen to the interview by clicking the arrow below.
photo credit: M. Pratter
Ask a Therapist: My Hubby Won’t Take Financial Responsibility, Help!
Q: My husband hasn’t ever taken full responsibility for supporting our family
financially. He has had opportunities to advance in his career but won’t do what it takes to move ahead. I think he makes important decisions based on fear. His Dad and mine have been helping us financially for years. I work part time and recently took over ownership of the business and see it as our way to finally be self reliant. I feel some resentment towards my husband because he doesn’t work on most Fridays and spends those days as well as evenings with the kids while I’m working so hard. It seems like he’s always being bailed out of his responsibility and now I’m bailing him out by taking over this business. He seems fine with putting forth no effort. He’s been up watching sports games till 1 am while I’m up at the same time studying for business classes. I’ve lost respect and love for him over the years because of his lack of drive. My question is – How do I decide to be okay with his decision to pass of his responsibility to support the family when I think it’s totally wrong? Is it possible to live with this when it goes against everything I think should be important to a father?
Men and Depression: FM 100.3
Wasatch Family Therapy’s Clinical Psychologist Todd Dunn and Clinical Director Julie Hanks, LCSW talked with FM100.3′s Rebecca Cressman about how men experience depression differently than women, what signs to watch for in the men you love, and what parents can do to foster emotional health in their growing sons.
Listen to the interview here
How Women Can Benefit From Thinking Like A Man
It’s no secret men and women think differently. Men ask for what they want, while women fret over feelings. Sometimes it pays to think like a man. We have 5 reasons to give it a try. Therapist, Julie Hanks, says sometimes, women should think like a man.
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Are gender differences in thoughts and behavior primarily biological or environment? No matter what the origin or our differences, nature or nurture or both life experience has shown all of us that men and women think differently.
Why are we getting more anxious and stressed?: KSL Radio
KSL Radio’s The Nightside Project invited me to talk about why Americans are more anxious and stressed than ever and what we can do about it here in Utah. I had so much fun that I ended up staying for another segment talking about the importance of men expressing vulnerability in relationships and the top movies that make men cry (think sports and animals). Click on link for (second hour) for Thursday, February 3, 2011
Listen to Julie’s Nightside interview on iTunes
What John Wayne Left Out
Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress,
you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.
With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.
What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.
I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.
1. It’s Not All about Sex
Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”
When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.
2) No More Mind Games
Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?
To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.
3) Praise Your Spouse
Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.
I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.
The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.
Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…
Dr. Todd Dunn
Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men’s mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.