Sex
Ask A Therapist: I Feel Ashamed about Being Molested as a Child
I’ve started thinking of my past life and how naive I was. Then horrible memories have come back to me. When I was around 9 going to 10 I was molested by a teenager. It made me cry almost thinking how stupid I was by listening to the molester telling me what to do and threatening to tell my parents what he did. I thought I would get in trouble so I let him do what ever. It happened for almost 2 years and I kept it secret. I was even more frightened that he said he planned to bring his friends. Then when I was in middle school, we moved and I finally told. The officers didn’t do anything because there wasn’t enough evidence.. I felt stupid for not telling and to this day, knowing he’s still out there.. I wished I was strong. This really affected me making me more naive, confused, and depressed as the years went on. I have felt sexually attracted to older men wanting them to touch me. I was even willing to risk my life by walking around my neighborhood hoping I would get captured and raped. Then I met my ex boyfriend. He changed me in a way but wasn’t what I thought we would be. I believed in my ex boyfriend and allowed him to have sex with me whenever he asked and I fell in love. It didn’t end too well.. I changed after that situation and I hate my old self right now.. please give me words of advice..
What’s Wrong With Being 50?
On Studio 5, I argued the upside of “50 is the new 40″ and how we can use it to motivate us. Here are some positives of being over 50.
People are living longer today, they’re healthier, and they’re enjoying life more. Due to an increased understanding of the importance of good diet and a more active lifestyle, people are feeling much younger than people their age felt in previous generations. For example, 1964 the average age for someone to move into a nursing home was 64. Currently, it’s 81 years old.
Motherhood: There is a distinct trend for women to delay motherhood. So at 50, their kids ages are more similar to their mother’s kid’s ages when she was 40. It used to be when you turned 50 you were becoming a grandmother. Now, by 50 most of their kids are teens or young adults and less demanding. This creates a period of more freedom and self-reflection.
More happiness, more sex, more money and confidence who wouldn’t want to be 50. A recent research study showed that people over the age of 50 experience more joy than younger adults. Proposed reasons for these findings were because they had their priorities set on friends and family. Other related studies showed that 50-somethings have a more fulfilling sex life, are more confident, and are more financially stable.
Mind body connection and self-fulfilling prophecy: If we tell ourselves we are old, our body will act old. We will purposely look for things that are failing because of our age, even if it has nothing to do with aging. Believing that 50 is the new 40 creates hope and provides positive self-affirmation. We don’t have to limit ourselves physically or expect deterioration just because we are getting older.
Davis County Office Opening Feb. 18th
We are very excited to announce the opening of our Davis County Office. The Location is 405 S. 100 W. Suite # 250 Bountiful, UT 84010. We are opening Feb. 18th and currently scheduling appointments. Holly Willard, LCSW will be the clinical director and Heather Judd will be joining her. We will also be adding an intern in to provide reduced priced sessions ($50).
The Birds And The Bees: Talking To Your Child about Sex
Teaching your child about sex and safe-touch should be an ongoing discussion that starts as early as they are verbal.
1. Start by teaching them about private parts. Explain the difference between good touch and bad touch. I like to use Your Body Belongs To You! A Coloring & Activities Book . Tell them that no one has the right to touch their private parts and they can say no and tell someone. RadKids Rules
2. It is normal for pre-school aged children to become interested and fascinated with private parts (theirs and others). Use correct medical language, not nicknames, when discussing private parts. Answer questions on a level consistent with their developmental age. (i.e. they don’t need to have anatomy lessons to understand where babies come from, that comes later). Talk to them about your personal and family values. If your child exhibits sexual behavior, it’s important to deal with it without making them feel shame or embarrassment. Here’s a resource with more detailed information and explains the difference between normal and concerning behavior.
3. With school age children, parents need to be more direct regarding sexual abuse and sex education. Some of these resources are may be too direct or differ with your values so it’s important to read before sharing them with your child. The books do not need to be read in entirety you can pick and choose depending on your child’s questions or level of understanding.
What Every Kid Should Know About Sexual Abuse: A Coloring & Activities Book
What’s the Big Secret?: Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys
The Right Touch: A Read-Aloud Story to Help Prevent Child Sexual Abuse (Jody Bergsma Collection)
How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It’s Best to Start Early, but It’s Never Too Late- A Step by Step Guide for Every Age
4. Explain maturation before the school’s presentation.
Most public schools present information about maturation in fifth grade. Children are often easily embarrassed at this age, especially boys. Some of them may find it more helpful to be given a book or pamphlets to read. However, if you choose this method make sure you have a follow-up discussion with them and are available for questions. If you are open, non-judgemental and informative it will increase the chances of them coming to you with questions instead of going to their friends. Or maybe I should say coming to you after they have heard incorrect information from their friends.
Puberty for boys: The Boys Body Book: Everything You Need To Know for Group Up You (Boys World Books)
Puberty for girls: The Care and Keeping of You (American Girl)
The Girl’s Body Book: Everything You Need to Know for Growing Up You (Girlsworld)
5. Don’t worry about giving your teen too much information about sex education. Most parents error on not providing enough information because they don’t want to “expose” them. Unfortunately in my practice I see that tweens/teens have already been exposed to it. Parents need to continue to teach their values in a non-judgemental way, focusing on the benefits of living those values. Have frank discussions with them about choices and consequences. Relate it to what their peers are doing, good and bad. I cannot stress the importance of having a strong/bonded relationship prior to having these discussions.
Sex Ed for Teens:
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: Expanded Third Edition: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships
The Sex EDcylopedia: A Comprehensive Guide to Healthy Sexuality, For the Modern, Male Teen
Ask A Therapist: Will PTSD Symptoms Jeopardize Military Career?
Q: I’m 23 years old and in the military. Recently I was raped while on duty, I haven’t been handling it well it brought up a lot of childhood stuff. I started seeing a psychologist, but I’m having a really difficult time opening up. She’s nice and I like her, but I don’t want to tell her too much, hurt my career and depend on her to keep my confidences when she can’t. I don’t know how to tell her about the purging or even if I should, she’s asked about the cutting but I don’t know what to say. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD but I don’t want to tell her that when I have a nightmare when I wake up I can still see and feel what was happening in the dream. How do you open up and not come off as crazy? Please help me I could really use the guidance.
Four Things New Mommies May Not Be Expecting
Congratulations! You’ve made it through 9-ish long months of planning and decorating, crazy cravings and frequent doctors visits, baby showers and unpredictable mood swings. You survived the journey through labor and delivery. Now, your perfect new arrival fills your heart with love and your life with meaning. Whether it’s your first or your fifteenth child, you can’t help but marvel at your baby’s every movement, coo and milestone.
For the lucky among us, the picture I paint may be pretty spot on. For the rest of us, there may have been a few unexpected feelings and experiences mixed in there as well. As many as 30% of new mothers deal with some degree of post-partum depression or post-partum anxiety. Though we all do our best to prepare for the major transition to parenthood, many among us may not plan for four major losses that are likely come along with the joy of gaining a new family member.
Ask A Therapist: I’m a 26-Year-Old Virgin with No Close Friends
Q: I’m 26 and very lonely, a virgin and I have no close friends. I’m socially awkward and it has affected me all my life. I’m so alone that I made a time limit in my journal that if I don’t make friends or have sex when I reach 30, I’ll kill myself. Crazy right? I even know it’s crazy. I’m a really nice girl, but quiet. What is wrong with me? I have no help what-so-ever around me. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’ve tried making friends, but it’s so hard. I’m getting desperate, I’m so alone.
A: Thanks for writing in about your desperate need to connect with others. I hear that your overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are so painful that you have considered putting a time limit on your life. Ironically, putting a time limit on getting close to others will likely increase your anxiety level and create situations that will make it less likely that you’ll create close and successful relationships. Instead of giving yourself an ultimatum (“You get close to someone or else I’ll end your life”), I suggest that you work on seeking sources of emotional and relational support, on self nurturing, and on actively seeking relationship skills.
I strongly recommend that you seek a psychotherapist as soon as possible to get someone on your “team,” someone you can explore your pain with, ease your loneliness, and help you find the tools to connect with others. Opening up to a therapist may feel very scary; however, therapy can be extremely helpful in resolving emotional blocks that are making it so difficult to get close to others, and help you develop emotional and relationship tools. Your therapist will also assess for a mental illness that is contributing to the feelings of loneliness or isolation. If you need help to find a qualified therapist please click here. Group therapy may also be a helpful treatment option for you at some point. Groups are a wonderful place to explore your relationship patterns and to practice relationship skills in real time with the support of a therapist. Thank you again for writing in.
Please take good care of yourself.
Ask A Therapist: I’m Sexually Attracted To My Therapist
Okay, so recently I started getting therapy for a few issues in my life and I have this therapist. Obviously, it’s their job to listen and what not, but it’s such a new thing for me to have someone listen and understand!! I have normal relationships and what not, but I don’t talk about what’s going on in my life. And well, like I said, this therapist, he listens!! And I don’t know how it started, but now I’m attracted to him and think about him all the time. Yikes! And I had therapy the other day and I was feeling a bit awkward sometimes because in my head I was thinking about him sexually!! And he was right there in front of me. Not good but so good at the same time! But yeah nothing will happen anyway because 1. he’s my therapist and that goes against code and 2. he’s married anyway. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about him that way. I don’t know if I have control over my actions but don’t want to lose him as a therapist! And if I ask him for help about it, I guess I probably will. I can’t ask anyway… too awkward. And I don’t want to start again with a new therapist. So please give me some ideas! Oh, and if this helps in anyway, I have bipolar…. but I guess I’m not the first person in the world to be attracted to my therapist so maybe it doesn’t! (18 year old female who recently started therapy)
A: How wonderful that you are able to open up to your therapist and feel listened to. You are not alone in having a sexual attraction to your therapist and there’s a name for it — erotic transference — and it’s actually a quite common experience in therapy. Transference can be worked through in the therapeutic relationship and that process can help you experience and resolve the deeper issues in your life. I hear that you are afraid of losing this relationship if you disclose your feelings to your therapist and that you’ll have to start all over. Assuming your therapist is skilled and experienced, he will be able to help you work through this attraction. Start slow in sharing your feelings. Let him know that you’re scared to share these feelings and that you want help to understand what they really mean. When sharing your transference with your therapist, remember that your feelings are information about your deeper emotional longings, wounds, and needs, and are not about your actual relationship with your therapist. You’ll get through this. Thanks again for having the courage to write to “Ask the Therapist.”
Take good care of yourself!
Married Men Have Better Sex
Finally, there’s some definitive evidence to suggest the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. There is a popular sentiment that married men feel stuck, unsatisfied and terribly jealous of their single friends, who seem to have all the fun. This sentiment has been carried on by movies like It’s a Wonderful Life, and more recently by The Family Man or The Change-Up. It seems as though at times married men question if being married is worth it. Well, in a new article by Everyday Health.com, research suggests there are many ways men benefit from tying the knot, and some may surprise you.