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The Perfect Gift For The Man In Your Life!

The Manslator- (Women Language Translator).

Until the Manslator can be made Dr. John Lund, popular speaker, author and marriage therapist, has a solution.

Communicate exactly what your expectations are of your partner. Don’t expect them to figure it out or know. It’s dysfunctional to think, “If he really loved me, he would know what I needed.” It is not a sign of inadequacy in our relationship when we have to ask for what we want, it will make our relationship stronger. Frustration comes from unmet expectations. We have greater success opportunities of our needs being met if we communicate clearly and it gives our partner the opportunity to be successful.

For example, when you approach your partner with a problem, let them know if you want understanding or solutions. Most men’s inclination is to help you solve the problem. Let them know that one this a problem you just want them to listen and understand. If your partner does not communicate what they need you can ask, “I’m want to help, but I’m not sure if you want understanding or solutions.”

Communication is made of three components: body language, tone of voice and actual words. In a research study analyzing communication, the experts interpreted the message wrong one out of five times. If the experts are wrong 20% of the time, what does that mean for the rest of us? They were able to reduce the error rate to 1 percent by using content communication.

Content communicating- Say what you mean and hold each other accountable for your words. Ignore body language and tone of voice. This means if you say yes when he asks if he can go golfing then it means he can go golfing, even if you roll your eyes. Or if he says he will watch the kids while you get a pedicure, you go even if he seems upset. Dr. Lund suggests that you try it for a week. When we hold others and ourselves accountable for our words, we learn to ask for what we need if we want to get it.

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Parents: Do You Know The Sexual Abuse Warning Signs?

Croc Farm_1With the onslaught of media coverage Penn State University has received following the horrendous and and heartbreaking allegations of child abuse I  find myself wondering two things:

  • Where were the other adults on these “outings” and why didn’t anyone step in sooner?
  • How did the parents/guardians/counselors miss the warning signs that something was wrong?

Unfortunately, many of the “red flags” we often associate with child abuse are usually vague and not widely discussed in public.  Many parents and adults are unsure of what they should be aware of when we talk about the red flags.  We can read and write in the media hundreds of stories about child abuse happening but not what to do about how to 1-stop it and 2-know what to look for.

I came across an excellent article on cnn.com a few days ago that I think all parents and adults in general should read.  Because as we know, it only takes one person to cause irreversible damage to a child and it just takes more one person to stop it, recognize it, and send a message that we will not tolerate it anymore.

Most children are abused by someone they know and trust, according to the American Psychological Association. An estimated 60% of perpetrators are known to the child but not family members: family friends, babysitters, child care providers and neighbors.

Read this CNN article for Warning Signs of sexual abuse

 

Creative Commons License photo credit: variationblogr

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The Key to Expectations in Relationships

We constantly hear how important expectations are in relationships.  However, many expectations in relationships are not discovered until they are NOT met by your partner.  When this happens suddenly expectations become a big deal and have the potential to become a wedge in any relationship.

It can be difficult to acknowledge, monitor and understand some expectations you may have, because they are developed and picked up throughout life.  We can unintentionally create expectations as a result of watching our parents’ behavior with each other.  Or, expectations can be created from experiences in past relationships.  Finally, media has a strong influence on expectations, as well as, what we are told by others (friends and family).

For example, you may have the expectation that your spouse will immediately come to you and try to work out a disagreement because you saw this behavior in your own parents.  If you become involved with a person who does not do this, but withdraws for a few minutes to calm down after a disagreement, your expectation could be unfulfilled and it could leave you feeling like your relationship has some major flaw.

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Communication in Relationships (part 1)

“Communication” a word that is usually packed with meaning for any significant relationship.  A lack of communication, or communication skills is one of the primary reasons couples and families claim relationships struggle.  Although often times it is not just a lack of communicating that creates frustration.  More often than not, especially in couple relationships, we do not know what type of conversation we are having with a significant other.  When you do not know what type of conversation you are having there is more room for hurt feelings and miscommunication.

For example, there are two primary types of conversations: one, the expressive conversation and two, the problem solving conversation.  Now to be a little gender stereotypical the first one (expressive) is primarily a female way of conversing and the second (problem solving) is generally a male’s type of conversing.  Now don’t be too frustrated by this claim, we are socialized in many ways to be this way.

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Can A Wandering Eye Be Good For Relationships?: KSL TV News

Holly Willard featured on KSL Happy Living discusses ways in which you can use that “wandering” eye to improve your relationship.

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You Just Don’t Understand! Learning Effective Communication

By Missy Dixon, MS

We live in a world fraught with communication options, but sometimes we have the most trouble with old-fashioned face-to-face communication. Learning to communicate without accusing is a skill worth having in your toolbox. Excessive emotion can sabotage your efforts to get your point across and be heard. Putting emotion in its conversational place is helpful in any situation where conflict or misunderstanding has arisen. Learning a non-defensive way for letting the other person know your reactions to his or her behavior is important. It is a way of claiming how you are or have reacted to an experience, rather than being an accusation.

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Does Technology Put Marriages At Risk?

Clair Mellenthin, LCSW was quoted today on the website HersUtah.com commenting about the impact on technology on marriage – negative AND positive. Read Clair’s tips to use technology to connect instead of disconnect.

Click below to read article:

4 G vs. Face to Face: Technology May Put Relationships At Risk

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4G Intimacy: Staying Connected In Today’s Modern World

by Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

In today’s world, communication is instant. We were able to witness the fall of the regimes in Egypt and Tunisia half a world away, simultaneously as the protesters watched these events happen. Our norm is fast, faster, and fastest. We expect communication to be instant, immediate, and relevant. With the onset of Twitter, Facebook, the Ipad, etc, the world is at our fingertips. However, for all of the great advances that these technological devices give to us, they are taking away one of the most important aspects of the human condition- face to face connection and interaction in our relationships.

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Rate Your Marriage on a 1930’s Quiz

I had a great time last night on KSL Radio’s Nightside Project talking about this fun 1930’s spousal rating scale and how it compares to how couples rate their spouses in 2011.

Listen to part 1 on women’s quiz (go to 37:00)

Listen to part 2 on men’s quiz

(scroll to the middle of the audio segment)

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Ask a Therapist: How do I get hubby to turn off his cell phone?

Q: “My big question is how do you tell your spouse to turn off his cell phone?”

I am a stay-at-home mom so as soon as hubby gets home from work, my mouth keeps going
about my day, then the cell phone rings, but he has to take the call
because that is our income. So what do you do? He has to take the call
no matter what time of day because it could mean more money for us,
but wow, I want him to listen to me. What do I do?”

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