Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’
With Valentine’s Day having just passed you might have experienced a complete victory in gift giving or an epic fail. The year provides many opportunities to make it up to your significant other. This year you can’t go wrong by breaking with tradition and giving your significant other the gift s/he really wants – a gift that will keep on giving for years to come – the gift of love, support, and connection. “Hold Me Tight” Couples Workshop starts Tuesday, March 5 at Wasatch Family Therapy. This highly effective, scientifically based eight week class teaches couples that the way to enhance a good relationship or to save a troubled one is to be open, attuned, and responsive to each other’s needs. You and your spouse will gain insight into defining moments in your relationship and skilled marriage therapists will guide you in reshaping these moments to create a secure and lasting bond.
Julie Hanks, Owner and Executive Director of Wasatch Family Therapy shared with me this artistic expression and interpretation of overcoming addiction to the song “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz. When I saw it I was so powerfully moved by the message it portrayed on such an important topic. A few points stood out to me from watching this dance that relate well to the emotional aspect of dealing with addiction in relationships.
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Several years ago a good friend sent me the following email and I laughed until tears were rolling down my cheeks. I’ve never deleted it and still pull it up on occasion if I have a particularly rough day or just need a good chuckle. I wish I knew who to credit for this little stroke of creative genius that’s been floating around Cyberland. Sometimes just looking at your relationship from a different perspective – in this case, a humorous one – can make all the difference. Oh, if only marital bliss were as easy as buying the correct operating system and installing it without a glitch! The truth is human beings are much more complicated than computer programs and creating a loving marriage requires more than knowing the right buttons to push. Keeping a positive attitude through life’s ups and downs and sharing a good laugh now and then will help see you through. Enjoy!
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.) Also, do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Did you know that Cosmopolitan Magazine has a regular marriage column? I didn’t know until I interviewed with the talented and witty writer Kristina Grish, who chronicles the ups and downs of her own marriage in her monthly Cosmo “Love, For Keeps” column.
Check out page 122 of Dec. Issue (yes, the one with the lovely and insanely talented Taylor Swift on the cover) or download the pdf below.
Help for busy, overwhelmed women. Executive director, Julie Hanks answers your questions and offers strategies to help you carve out time for yourself.
1) Include YOU in your circle of care
Self-neglect isn’t a good long-term strategy for self-care. If you are committed to taking care of others for the long haul, then you need to include YOU as one of the people that you nurture and support.
2) Build it in
Set a recurring appointment with yourself and build in the support that you need to make it happen. Get a commitment from your husband for a certain time every week. Hire a teenage neighbor to come every Thursday afternoon for a few hours.
3) Get others on board
Let others have the opportunity to share the care giving responsibilities. If you tend to fall into the role of “caregiver” be sure to invite your family members to participate. If they are unwilling, ask extended family, your church or community group to pitch in.
4) Get creative
If you don’t have resources to hire a babysitter, you may have to get creative. Barter with a neighbor. Swap childcare for making dinner one night a week. Read the rest of this entry »
The popular song by Jason Mraz, “I Won’t Give Up” shares an important message of commitment in relationships and the powerful effect it can have. How important is commitment in a relationship? Researcher Steinberg created a model for what makes up love and relationships. He states that relationships thrive when they have a good balance of passion (physical), intimacy (emotional), and commitment. Why is commitment so important? It is hard to fully jump into the passionate and intimate part of a relationship when you do not know if this person is going to be with you or will stand by your side. When there is a sense of commitment there is a freedom to explore the relationship and continue to give more of yourself because you are not consumed by fear of being hurt or abandoned.
Q: My Father In-law has been living with us for 2 years now. What started out as a temporary situation 3-6 months. Has turned out to be a permanent situation. Despite talking to him, he doesn’t help with expenses and hasn’t made an effort to move out.. We just bought a Condo and can’t very well move out leaving him behind like we did once before 4 years back when our apartment lease was up. We just went our separate ways. He’s Diabetic and still drinks and smokes all day long and doesn’t eat healthy. He rearranges everything in the house to the way he wants it. He yells/makes rules to our kids and I don’t like how he favors our youngest 4 year old daughter causing hurt and stress on our 9 year old older daughter. We’ve tried contacting other family members to arrange a living situation where we each have a couple years of responsibility for him but no one is interested. My husband and I constantly fight over him. I feel my only option is to leave him with the kids and start a new life. There has to be some solution I love my husband and we’ve made it this far with our 11 year marriage. There’s got to be another way please help us.
Making the decision to stay or leave your marriage may seem overwhelming in the wake of a revealed affair or other traumatizing event. It’s normal upon hearing that a spouse has been unfaithful to assume the marriage is over and that the love you once shared is gone forever. Both partners may feel highly emotional and perhaps hopeless about their future together. This is a good time to put on the brakes and slow things down. Rushing into a life altering decision such as a divorce may actually compound the problem and prolong the hurt you and your partner are experiencing. Before making any life changing decisions, allow yourself a brief waiting period, somewhere between 8 to 12 weeks, to think things through. Your decision will have far reaching effects for you, your spouse, and your children.
Read through the following questions and share your answers with your partner, a close friend, or a therapist.
- How will my life be different if we get divorced?
- How will our children’s lives be different?
- What first attracted me to my spouse?
- What are my best memories with my spouse?
- What will I miss the most about my marriage?
- Down deep, do I still love my spouse?
- Are my partner and I generally compatible?
- Is my partner a generally dependable and trustworthy person?
- Am I able to explore vulnerabilities in our marriage?
- Am I willing to work on my marriage?
Q: Is it okay/appropriate to see more than one psychotherapist at the same time? After all, we sometimes have more than one massage therapist! Just wondering about your take on this.
A: In general, I recommend having a primary individual psychotherapist who is “in charge” of treatment. That being said, there are situations where it may be appropriate and helpful to work with additional therapists simultaneously. If you and your therapist desire additional interventions that are outside of your primary therapist’s specialties then your therapist may refer you to another therapist for specific interventions, like EMDR or neurofeedback, for example.
It’s also appropriate and often recommended to have additional therapists for different treatment modalities, like group, marriage, or family therapy. In marriage counseling or family therapy the client is actually the “marriage” or the “family” instead of the individuals. I hope this helps answer your question. Feel free to write again with more specific details about your situation.
Take good care of yourself!
Q: I need help! My husband takes no responsibility and jumps from the one job to the next. I have a lot of financial stress on me as I have supported him and his two children for more than a year when he was without a job. Now he is in the same predicamment. When he does have a job it is as if he doesnt care and blames the job if they find fault with him. I cannot handle this anymore. What must I do?
A: I am glad you reached out. I think you would be surprised to know how many feel they are in a similar situation, especially in the last several years with the economic downturn. It can often be draining and difficult to feel like you must support everyone, or all the weight is on your shoulders, especially when you would like to share, or expect to share the load.
From your question it sounds like something is going on for your husband, however the reason for this bouncing from one job to the next could be a result of several different sources. It may be that your husband is trying to defer some insecurity in himself outwardly onto his employers. When people do not feel confident in their own abilities, and perform accordingly, it is easier to put the blame on someone else. Or, it is possible that these behaviors could result from depression or anxiety. There are many possibilities, but the result often indicates that something is going on below the surface.
My recommendation for you, if you feel comfortable with this and think it would go well with your husband, would be to have some conversations discussing your desire to have a partnership in the marriage. Discuss how you would like to share the financial drains and how you are feeling about the situation (try to stay with yourself and your own feelings). I would stress your desire to feel a companionship with him.
I would also recommend seeking some professional help. It seems from your comments that this stress may be affecting your ability to connect with your spouse. When you cannot connect, the stressors often feel more overwhelming. Obtaining professional help should not only help your relationship with your husband and your ability to communicate these stressors with him, but also discuss whatever insecurities/depression/anxiety, etc may be present for him that may be getting in the way of being successful in his employment.
Good luck and take good care of yourself,