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The Power of Emulating LOVE

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Mark Twain once said that he could go for two months on a good compliment.
Sincere compliments build self esteem in ourselves and others,and foster feelings of good will, peace and thus harmony.
To quote Leo Buscaglia, “Honest compliments are simple, and cost nothing to give…we must not underestimate their worth.”
Here is a list of phrases that are complimentary in nature that are easy to use.  Try them!
 *  You make me happy!
 *  I trust you.
*  I like it when you…
*  I know you can do this.
*  You are special.
*  I am grateful for you.
*  I love you.
*  I believe in you.
*  I am proud of you.
Because nearly everyone appreciates a compliment, be sure to use them daily.  The primary reason being, “The life and love we create is the life and love we live.”  L. Buscagia
For more inspirational thoughts related to creating abundant relationships of LOVE, please refer to any or all of these publications authored by; Leo Buscagia, Ph.D.
“Born for Love, Reflections on loving”
“Personhood,  The art of being fully human”
“Loving each other, The challenge of Human Relationships”
“Living, Learning and Loving”
“LOVE, A warm and wonderful book about the Largest experience in life”
“Bus 9 to Paradise”
“The way of the Bull”
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You Shouldn’t Care About What Others Think

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“You shouldn’t care about what other people think”. This is something we tell ourselves all the time. But is it true? Is it really realistic to not care about or be effected by what other people think? And if we do care, is it helpful or hurtful? If you’ve ever wondered why you care so much about what others think of you, or how to stop caring so much, read this recent article I was fortunate enough to contribute to:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/09/17/when-you-rely-too-much-on-what-others-think/
You will find some tips and tricks on how to find more balance in valuing what others think, but also being able to create a more secure sense of self.
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On Being You

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 A catch-phrase of today seems to be “be yourself.” There is a big push for people to be authentic and to appreciate others for doing the same. While this is a positive and healthy idea, you might be wondering what it actually means. If you stop to think about it, the idea of knowing who you are and portraying that to the world can be complex and confusing, and is actually an ongoing and lifelong process.

I recently had the opportunity to contribute to an article discussing this very topic. So, if you are constantly trying to figure out who you are and how to be true to that, visit the following link for some helpful tips and hints:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/11/on-being-ourselves-what-this-really-means-what-it-might-look-like/
 “Today you are you, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive that is youer than you!”
 -Dr. Seuss
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Is Social Media Dragging You Down? Dr. Julie Hanks on KSL’s Studio 5

Is Social Media Dragging You Down? Dr. Julie Hanks on KSL’s Studio 5

The original purpose of social media is to connect us, and yet for many women, looking in on others’ lives can leave us feeling inferior, jealous, isolated, or dissatisfied. So how can we put all these posts and pictures in perspective when we seem to get discouraged by them? There’s been quite a bit of research done on how social media affects us psychologically and emotionally. Here are a few tips to help you if you find that it’s dragging you down:

1. Be Intentional & Interact Directly

Studies have shown that always consuming, or simply binge reading and looking at picture after picture online can negatively impact you. I encourage you to instead intentionally research, seek out information, and connect with people in your life. Engage more and be purposeful; don’t just mindlessly scroll through your feed to fill time.

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Student Resiliency: 5 Skills Your Child Needs To Suceed This Year

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Over and over the term ‘resiliency’ is being used in conversations between teachers, parents, and in preparation for the upcoming school year.  Most of us use the term casually; of course, students who are ‘resilient’ will do better at school – both academically and socially – but what does resiliency really mean?  Can parents help develop these skills? Can resiliency ‘be taught?’ In one psychological study conducted by Brock (2002d), student resiliency was determined to include specific internal behavioral skills or traits and that yes, these traits could be improved or fostered. Using that study as a framework, positive student resiliency behaviors/skills include:

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How About a Self Esteem Boost??

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What does good self-esteem look like?  It is when we are thinking, feeling, and acting in a way that shows that we respect, accept, and believe in ourselves.  It also implies that we trust ourselves and who we are.  Self-esteem is not a constant.  It is variable and experiences many ups and downs, highs and lows, which can be affected by a number of the different things we encounter in life; both good and bad.

Here is a fantastic way to boost or to move toward a healthier self-esteem:

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!      HERE’S HOW:

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Tips to Start the School Year out Right – Take Action!

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When Hurt Turns to Anger, Turns to Shame, Turns to Fear: Tips to Start the School Year out Right

It seems to me that every new school year my kids (and yours) face more and more adversity. I often find myself (as a parent) wishing I was better at preparing my children to face bulling, rejection, shameful feelings, and self-confidence issues.  My girls and foster children have struggled with these issues.  In my research and personal experience, I have found not one thing works on all children, but if I can do my best at consistently being receptive to my children’s emotions, teach empathy, validate feelings, and come up with a way to solve a problem—that works! But first I have to consistently rid myself of my own fears and mirror disappointments and fear in a healthy way. To live well, we must grieve well.

When we are shamed with anger and rage, our underlined emotion or reaction is fear. One fear I will discuss is that of rejection. There is no greater shameful pain of loss than that of rejection. Fear of rejection can result in great loss for anyone. Rejection for someone may mean that they are unlovable or unwanted. When going through a battle of feelings of rejection or loss we (especially children) need social support, feelings of mirrored affection, time, self-talk, and emotional coaching.  I will admit, rejection is a hard pill to swallow for me. There is no way to escape rejection or loss in this human life. The important thing is how we deal with it. Here are some tips for getting the ball rolling for success with coaching your child about fear of rejection and bulling.

Fear of rejection is the center of bulling in my eyes. When shame cries out—fear of rejection and hurt screams—and we become a bully, even to ourselves. Many of my foster children bullied and were bullied. Kids and adults sometimes wanted to shame them for their actions and could render no empathy when they were being bullied. Once again, fear of rejection, being left out, being unloved is the root of this pain! Shame or fear does not help children to feel like a worthy person, but understanding and love does. Teach the feeling behind the fear and then strive to help that person change their negative views of themselves.

Comfort

Validation is number one! First and forth right. This takes TIME.  Validate your child’s feelings and concerns. As a teacher, parent, friend, or peer, children need to feel heard and understood, don’t we all. This is a universal concept, but do we really do it? Or are we good at it? I know it takes practice for sure. I have not always been validated in my life and I have had to learn how to do this with my children. In addition, remember to teach your children to validate themselves. People (and the world) are not always going to validate them. So the next thing to teach is self-talk and how to trust and love themselves first so they do not need to bully their self-concept or others.

Self-talk

Stand tall, look confident, tell yourself you are worth it—is sometimes hard to do. Why is that? Are we taught that we should just know that we have worth?   It is hard sometimes for an adult to overcome fears and self-talk ourselves to a happier tomorrow, let alone a child. But I also think children now days are very resilient because of parents and caregivers like you that have taught them to stick up for themselves, try a little harder, and be proud of who they are. But some kids just plain and simple have a harder time with self-talk. Research shows children that suffer from ADHD and autism lack skills in self-talk. Yet, I believe like many things, it takes practice. Through therapeutic techniques, these can be taught and improved.  Here some ideas. I have used visual aids to help remind kids to rid those bad thoughts that creep in. You can even use a small item (ex. small smooth rock, string, necklace) that they can take to school that remind them that they are special and to self-talk themselves every time they touch it. You can repeat or chant words to yourself while doing an activity like-

“No matter what others say or do, I am still a worthy person.”

“The more I like myself, the more others like themselves.”

“I ______like myself and I am a lovable person.”

“I am special because______.”

Emotional Coaching

Another way to make sure your child’s underlining fear or anger is understood is by teaching skills of recognizing their own feelings. If a child can not recognize what is going on with their body or heart, then they will not be able to regulate themselves. One of my most favorite books is Raising an Emotional Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Phd. Emotional coaching is key in helping your child be more aware of how they are feeling and how safe they feel about their feelings—thus they can self-regulate better. According to Gottman’s research, emotion-coaching parents had children that later went on to be “emotionally intelligent” people. They simply could regulate their own emotions and could calm their heart rate down faster. They had fewer infectious illnesses, better attention, and they could socially relate to others, thus better friendships.  When a parent or caregiver help a child cope with negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, and fear it builds bridges of loyalty and worth. Bridges, in my opinion, that will become a foundation of utmost importance for their understanding of their own self-concept.

When hurt, fear or shame turns into rejection of self or others, give your child the tools to combat the bully of the mind or on the playground by giving them comfort, self-talk, and emotional coaching.

– Caryl Ward, CMHC Intern, CFLE

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How To Praise What Really Matters: Studio 5

Big successes are easy to spot but sometimes small accomplishments are overlooked.

If you want to celebrate the success of others, therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW says to look beyond appearance and praising what really matters.

What is praise?

Praise is simply the expression of approval or admiration of something or someone.

Why we sometimes hold back praise or compliments?

It’s a risk to share our thoughts and feelings, even if they are positive. We might feel embarrassed, awkward, insecure, or fear rejection.

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