Mothers in law and daughters in law don’t always speak the same language. But, there are ways to prevent miscommunication and avoid misunderstandings. Therapist, Julie Hanks, explains what those mixed messages really mean.

“My kids NEVER did that!”

TRANSLATION: needs acknowledgement that she did a good job as a parent.

MIL TIP: notice and comment on positive parenting moments.

“When are you going to give me a grandchild?”

TRANSLATION: wants you to know that she’s excited to be a grandma.

MIL TIP: Convey trust in Daughter in law & son to make those important decisions.

“I always clean/cook/organize this way.”

TRANSLATION: wants acknowledgement for her homemaking experiences. MIL TIP: Wait until you’re asked before giving any advice.

“He was mine first.”

TRANSLATION: wants you to know how much she loves her son and she’s scared to lose him.

MIL TIP: Be direct about relationship wishes but not demanding (i.e. I’d love to see you guys more often. Are you free for dinner Sunday?)

“Have you put on weight?”

TRANSLATION: wants you to know that she cares about her appearance.

MIL TIP: Don’t say anything.

Q: I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me, because there were these girls she didn’t want me to hang out with but I did, because I was mad at her for cheating on me, which she told me about a long time ago and was open about, so I decided to have secrets of my own, which I know was a horrible idea. Well we had this big fight where she wanted me to tell her everything, and I did for the most part, leaving out one time where I had this party and invited this girl over to my house. She just found out yesterday and is really upset, and I don’t know what to do. For some reason, I’ve lied to her a lot, because I don’t want to get in trouble, and I know that if I’m honest she’ll accept it and everything will be okay, but for some reason I can’t get it through my thick skull. I keep messing up time after time. I don’t want to lose her because she understands me and is the best thing to happen to me. I don’t know what to do, I slept all day today just because I didn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to lose her and I feel so bad for making her feel horrible, and when we were talking and she was crying I really felt bad about it and hated seeing her cry but I still felt sort of detached for some reason. I don’t know why I feel detached sometimes but I would really like to not feel that way. For some reason I think subconsciously I like to feel miserable, because otherwise I don’t know why I do the things I do. Sometimes before I do or say anything I think to myself “this is not a good idea” but then I do it anyway.  I really don’t want to lose her, I’ve been through so much with her, more than anybody. shes my best friend and my confidant and shes always been there for her. I just want to be normal, and not lose the most important person in my life.

A: Thanks for writing in for help with your relationship. Whether or not she breaks up with you, it’s important for you to get to the bottom of you why you continue to do things, like lie and cheat, that you know aren’t a good idea. Frequently, relationship sabotage has roots in past hurts. Is there anything in your relationship or family history that might be emotionally driving your pattern of pushing your girlfriend away? Your emotional detachment to her sadness also suggests that there may be something that is unresolved for you in close relationships.  I suggest that you get a therapist and explore what’s driving this pattern so if your girlfriend stays with you, you can learn how to maintain closeness and if she breaks up with you, you can prevent this pattern in future relationships. Also, consider reading the book “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples” by Dr. Harville Hendrix to help you start understanding the deeper patterns that may be getting in the way of your love relationship.

Take good care of yourself and your relationships!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

1) Watch for signs

First crushes generally happen in elementary school between 5-10 years old. Even if your child doesn’t tell you directly that they have a crush, you might see the signs: giggling with friends, being mean to or teasing the child they like, or planning a special gift.

2) Get curious

This is a great opportunity to understand more about your child and to begin help them explore their preferences and values. Ask your child open ended questions like: “Tell me more about Kate…” “How does John feel about you?” or “What is it that makes her special to you?”

3) Never tease

Feelings of affection are the beginnings of attraction that will lead to meaningful relationships in the future. Talk about feelings of infatuation in a positive light, as a wonderful thing. Never tease or make fun of your child’s crush.

4) Set boundaries

Your child’s first crush is a great time to start a dialogue about appropriate physical and emotional boundaries, especially if your child is in older elementary school. Discussions on showing physical affection, spending time together, texting are all important things to start talking about.

5) Soothe hurt feelings

When first crushes are not reciprocated, it can be painful, even for children. This is an opportunity for you to teach your child that they are resilient and can move on after being hurt or disappointed.

photo credit: Modestas J

Led by Haylee Heyn, AMFT

Do you feel like you are constantly struggling with maintaining relationships and connecting with others? Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed with life’s challenges?

In our young adult group for anxiety and depression we work on                             

• Coping strategies in dealing with anxiety and depression
• Interpersonal processing and relational skills
• Building self-esteem
• And navigating through life’s difficulties

The group setting is a great place to receive support and comfort from others who relate, as well as work on interpersonal and relational skills and coping strategies for life’s difficulties. The group members are open and friendly and we work to make it a comfortable environment for everyone.

photo credit: Muffet

Take the time for your relationship.

This is one of the best gifts you can give your loved one, because it will help you to continue growing together.   Some of the most creative ways of doing this are:

1. Planning one date a month for the year, figuring out all the details and providing it for your spouse so they can book out the time and know you have planned something special for the two of you and the growth of your relationship.
2. Recreate times where your spouse has reflected on positive memories and go back there literally or figuratively, talk about why it was so meaningful then and how you can continue to create similar, positive memories and feelings for the future.
3. Write down those things that have been especially significant to your growing love in the relationship since last Valentines Day.  Create a record of how you fall in love with your spouse over and over again.  Share why you are grateful for them.

Work on emotional accessibility and openness.

This is one of the best gifts you can give your spouse this Valentine’s day.  Working on emotional accessibility is a process, and not something that happens immediately by you saying, “Honey, just so you know, I am going to be more emotionally accessible to you.”  If you are interested in improving this aspect of your relationship I recommend a tool to help you and your significant other increase this accessibility in your relationship.  Hold Me Tight is a book written by Dr. Susan Johnson and a great tool (it includes practice exercises within) that can increase connection and accessibility in any relationship.

Gratitude and service for your spouse is a gift that continues to give.

As you look at your spouse from a place of gratitude you begin to see the reasons you fell in love with this person in the first place.  When you serve your spouse it not only increases your own love for them, but makes you a little more lovable as well.

-The K.I.D.S. Group
This is a therapy group for children ages 8-12 who need a social skills building group to address
• Anxiety
• Difficulty making and keeping friends
• Building confidence and leadership skills
• Group begins Wednesday, Feb. 22nd 4-5:30 pm

-Hold Me Tight Workshop for Couples
This is an 8 week workshop facilitated by Haylee Heyn, AMFT using Emotionally Focused Therapy skills to build stronger, closer connections to your partner. Space is limited so please register early! See our website for more details.

-For Professionals: Kate Hofer will also be teaching a monthly Art Therapy Techniques workshop. More details to follow.

- We are pleased to be partnering with the University of Southern California Masters in Social Work program and are looking forward to having graduate level interns in our Provo and Salt Lake City office.

We are thrilled to be offering our clients in Utah County excellent services and community resources. I am looking forward to growing Wasatch Family Therapy and being part of this wonderful team!

Warmly,

Clair Mellenthin, LCSW, RPT-S

Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

Q: I am a 45 year old divorced mom who is currently in a relationship with a 53 year old man who I do not trust. I have only been cheated on once before, that I’m aware of, so I am usually not a very jealous person. But this man is extremely handsome, charming, and flirtatious. I have caught him in several lies, and find him contacting other women frequently. He is always commented on other women’s looks, or telling them directly they are pretty, or hot. Lately, his tactic to deal with my insecurity is to turn it around – he acts jealous of other men, though none are pursuing me. He gets angry when any male (even my nephew) contacts me on line, or by text. He accuses me of wanting other men. It is absurd, and I’m wondering if this is just another sign he is untrustworthy. He has an excuse or story for every seedy, racy thing I discover about him, and he sticks with his lies to the very end. He swears he adores me and he is not cheating, which I actually believe. There is no evidence to the contrary that he’s actually seeing anyone. My fear is that, given the chance, he will. Do I have good reason for this fear?  Or am I getting paranoid in my old age?

A: You may not realize it, but you already answered your own question. You don’t trust him.  And from what you’ve described, I think you’re right on. If he adores you, why is he making comments about other women’s looks, frequently contacting other women online, lying to you, and becoming extremely jealous and angry? These behaviors are all relationship “red flags.” I suggest you focus less on whether he’s technically cheating or not, and focus more on whether or not you want to continue a relationship with someone who appears to be chronically dishonest, insensitive, jealous, and intensely interested in other women.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

· All of these apply to all ages of children as well as adult children

· In my practice, this is the most common unintentional way that parents hurt their children.

· Children generally don’t even realize that this dynamic has contributed to their current distress.

· In my clinical practice this is more common with mothers & children than fathers, but does happen with fathers.

1) Your child knows your secrets

Solution: Leave child out of details of your personal problems.

Examples:

Child/teen knows can’t stand about husband.

Adult child knows that you’re hiding money from spouse.

2) Your child is your emotional sounding board

Solution: Share problems with peers or professionals

Example:

Complain to child or adult child about chronic health problems.

Venting feelings of anger toward ex-spouse to child.

3) Your child is your best or only friend

Solution: Develop and diversify peer relationships.

Examples:

Young adult female client feels guilty for leaving mom, going off to college, moving out.

Teen feels guilty for going out on weekends “leaving” single mom at home.

4) You rely on your child for adult responsibilities

Solution: You manage the household, or ask other adults for help.

Examples:

Your child acts as primary caregiver for younger siblings.

Adult child manages parent’s finances.

5) Your child is your primary source of comfort

Solution: Focus on comforting your child and seek comfort from adult peers or professionals.

Examples:

Call and vent to adult child about depression but refuses counseling.

When distressed they call child and exclude your spouses.

photo credit: Ktoine

Part 1 – How to help Utah grieve this tragedy

Part 2 – How to use social media constructively to deal with grief