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I’ve Had It! What Should I Do?

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We’ve all been there before. Stress can build until you feel out of control. I often have clients come in so defeated because of a myriad of different reasons. In session, I always ask a few questions to see if we can find a pattern to what lead them to this difficult place. If you are are feeling overwhelmed and unable to figure out what to do next ask yourself the following questions.
  1. Have you eaten recently? If your car was out of gas would you still expect it to run smoothly on a road trip? Of course not! You would make sure your tank was full so you had plenty of gas to take you where you wanted to go. Our bodies need the same fuel. You cannot manage your stress, anxiety, depression, or life without properly fueling your body with healthy food. Want to have more energy to fight through difficult times? Make sure you’re eating!
  2. Are you  properly hydrated? My family laughed at our aunt growing up that always gave the advice to go have a glass of water. Having a bad day? Go grab a glass of water. Stressed out? Water. Feeling sad? Water. Can’t focus? You guessed it…water. However simple it may sound drinking a proper amount of water each day helps keep energy up and will make you feel healthy. Instead of grabbing a caffeine filled drink when you’re out of energy, slow down and grab a nice glass of water. Being properly hydrated will help more than you know. 
  3. When was the last time you showered and got ready for the day? People often skip over this important daily ritual when life gets busy. Slowing down and taking time for yourself will make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and the day ahead of you. 
  4. When was the last time your heart rate was up? Walking briskly for even five minutes can get your heart rate up, and provide your body with much needed chemicals that will help you feel healthy and focused. 
  5. Are you sleeping too much or too little? Make sure you are getting a healthy amount of sleep. It can be a tricky balance. Too much sleep can result in feeling lazy, lethargic, and depressed. Too little sleep can leave you feeling tightly wound, exhausted, and stressed. Make sure you are balancing sleep correctly so you can have enough energy and motivation to get through your day. 
  6. When was the last time you got out of your house and connected with someone? Go out and connect with someone face to face. Technological connections are great, but actual face to face connections will do much more for your mental health. 
While these questions may seem like a “no brainer” you may be surprised to find how many of these small things get neglected when you are stressed or having a difficult time. Try asking yourself these questions next time you find yourself frustrated and stressed out to see if they help.
If you need further help managing your anxiety or depression call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801-944-4555.  You can learn further tips and tools to help  you through your difficult time.
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Couples Hack. 8 Ways Couples That Hike Together, Stay Together (And are Much Happier Too)

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Okay, it may seem a bit obvious that getting outdoors with your spouse or significant other will strengthen your relationship. Bring you closer together. Absolutely ramp up your closeness. However, when was the last time you made an effort to hike with him alone? Backpack with her without the kids? Truly connect in a way that feels deep and REAL. Something you want to repeat?

It’s been awhile huh!

Getting outdoors with him will not only build your relationship, it will build YOU. Here are 8 reasons why putting hiking back on your relationship table is so critical.

1) Hiking will make you closer. Getting outside in nature will make you feel closer, period. I’ve talked with couples after their weekend hike or backpack trip. They absolutely believe that getting out on the trail brought them closer. Sometimes it’s the roaring creek they crossed carefully together. Other times it’s waking up together in a tent in the Uinta Mountains. The examples are endless. Although it’s a subjective feeling, couples tell me in counseling sessions that it just felt awesome.

2) Hiking clears your head. Couples that spend too much time in their head (and you know who you are) feel distracted. Disconnected. Longing for closeness. Hitting the trail allows you to focus on nature’s amazing beauty. It also allows you to focus on each other in ways that the movie or dinner just CAN’T accomplish. Distractions fade and the intensity of focus on each other increases. In fact, you may actually forget about the office for a few hours. Or hopefully for the entire, connective weekend. Nice!

3) Hiking makes intimacy better. One huge benefit to exercise in the backcountry is better and more consistent intimacy. Couples that hit the trail together find each other more appealing. More attractive. More interesting. It should come as no surprise that their interest in being more affectionate also increases. And who doesn’t want better sex in their relationship or marriage? Who doesn’t want to feel more attractive to him or her? Makes sense!

4) Hiking is a crazy cheap date. Finding time to date your spouse is one thing. Actually coming up with the money to pay for it is quite another. Couples find hiking very inexpensive. It’s really the cost of gas and a few snacks. And with so many trails available in the Salt Lake City area, finding a trail is simply not the problem. So why not ditch the movie and grab him/her and hit the beautiful mountain trail!

5) Hiking will make you so much healthier. As someone that has hiked for many years, the benefits of hiking are truly endless and so amazing. Although I like the gym, I would much rather hit the trail than hit the treadmill for cardio. When we hike on a consistent basis, we not only become healthier we absolutely ramp up our immune system. We don’t get sick as often. We don’t feel rundown or lethargic. The apathy in our marriage just disappears. We appreciate each other more. Makes sense!

6) Hiking absolutely begets more hiking. Now you may be saying to yourself, how do I get started? The answer is found in many sports commercials. We just do it! Further, how do you start anything worth while in your life? Recall when you were considering going back to school? Laid out a plan and actually followed through with that plan. Hiking consistently is very much like going back to school. It’s about building a better you. It is so true that hiking really does beget MORE HIKING. Give it a try!

7) Couples that hike together are happier. As a family therapist that has counseled couples for many years, I’m constantly looking for ways to help couples improve their relationships. Searching for ideas that will get their couple relationship to the next level of connection or affection. The answer more often than not is to actually spend TIME together. Thus, couples that hike together not only stay together, but they do so because they’re happier. Hiking or running on the trail simply enhances closeness. When we feel better about ourselves, we feel better about our relationships. It really is that simple.

8) Hiking is a great inoculation for Marriage problems. It is my experience that it’s usually not the big things that make couple relationships disconnect. It’s the little things over-time that do it. Little things such as inattention. Disconnection. Or the oft mentioned boredom, that produces disaffection in relationships. When we hike together couples absolutely inoculate their relationship from these fairly common marriage pitfalls.

Where do I go from here? Imagine hiking in seemingly endless fields of wildflowers with your awesome husband. Imagine sitting by a cold mountain stream as the water rushes by you and your wife. Can you picture seeing a moose in an alpine meadow as you take pictures safely with your digital zoom camera? Further, can you imagine going on a winter hike or snowshoe adventure with him or her? Or hitting the Cottonwood Canyons in October for the amazing splendor of Autumn Aspen in Utah?

If any of these hit home with you, then you’re ready for the next step. Actually getting out for a hiking adventure in our amazing northern Utah backcountry. The Wasatch Mountains are peppered with trails for all hiking and experience levels. It doesn’t matter where you live, it only matters that you’re willing to get out there. Try it. You will absolutely love it. And your couple relationship will too!

To schedule an appointment with Michael call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801.944.4555

Michael Boman, LCSW, is a Healing Outdoors expert in Cottonwood Heights. Michael schedules Healing Outdoors therapy sessions on select local trails. If you would like to learn more about Healing Outdoors and if it’s the right counseling approach for you, Michael can be reached via email at MichaelBoman@Wasatchfamilytherapy.com.

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Pushing Buttons

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I recently took a trip, and stayed in a hotel with many floors. Of course, many floors mean an elevator with many buttons! During one of my visits to the elevator stood a 4-year-old child and his mother, inside the door, discussing the “buttons,” and where they went. I entered and smiled at this toddler’s curiosity while 2 other occupants entered. As the door closed, the boy began pushing all of the buttons! I looked to see the responses of the other passengers, and then heard the mother’s response of complete embarrassment. One man shrugged, while the other gave earnest looks of annoyance. The mother clearly was embarrassed, and the child was quickly moved away from the buttons.

I couldn’t help but think about how this metaphorical example applies to people “pushing buttons” in relationships. “Pushing buttons,” means to bring up topics that will leave an emotional sting and often brings about negative emotions of the receiver.  This response happens almost instantly, and the intention may be the most irritating part.

I’m sure we can all think of moments that we have experienced where someone has “pushed our buttons.” What were the feelings you felt in that instant? Anger, Embarrassment, disgust, or perhaps you had wished the floor had opened so you could jump in? It often takes a person who knows us well, to be able to push our buttons with such preciseness. There’s no one that can do it quite like family! Parents, siblings, children, and spouses!

Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, suggests that the reason these close relationships pack so much power is because of the attachments we have to one another. We know each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. This dynamic of close relationships can get buttons pushed in ways, that others may have no effect.

The question that is always asked in therapy is: How do I avoid it? While there are people who are button pushers, there are ways to avoid having these annoyances grow and become destructive. There will always be someone standing nearby willing to embarrass, annoy, assume power over, or just be a mean tease.   The antidote is perspective. Which can be hard to do when someone has just taken a tactile stance against you! Here are 10 tools to help gain perspective and soothe your emotions in the moment:

  • Chew on a piece of ice
  • Take a time out
  • Talk to your Higher Power
  • Imagine a place of peace
  • Use powerful coping thoughts: “It’s OK to feel this way.” “So what?” “This sucks, but it will pass.”
  • Squeeze the handles of arm of the chair 5 times.
  • Count backwards from 100 by 7’s.
  • Write your name in cursive with your toe, while you’re seated with legs crossed. (Don’t laugh, it works!)
  • Count your breathes
  • Use your 5 senses: Notice what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell.

For the mother in the elevator. . . good job taking 50 deep breathes, as the elevator stopped at each and every floor!

To schedule an appointment with Andrea, call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801.944.4555

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Summer Time Parenting Questions Answered

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Director of Child and Adolescent services recently answered questions for parenting in the summertime on an interview with KUTV. Click the link below to watch the interview.

http://kutv.com/features/fresh-living/top-5-summertime-parenting-questions

To schedule an appointment with Wasatch Family Therapy, call 801.944.4555

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A Therapist’s Secret to Mental Health

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Many of us have a goal to lose weight, work out more, become more organized, earn more money, etc. But, have you ever considered setting a mental health goal? This was something I started doing for myself several years ago, and as I’ve shared the idea with clients, they have also found it to be beneficial and meaningful. It has been a way that I’ve been able to keep myself more balanced and focused on the types of things I truly care about improving in my life. I recently had the opportunity to discuss this concept in a recent Psych Central article. If you’d like to learn more about how to set this type of goal for yourself in a way that can be more easily accomplished, click the link!

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/09/how-one-therapist-sets-meaningful-compassionate-goals/

To make an appointment with Wasatch Family Therapy, call 801.944.4555

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5 Ways Marriage Is Harder in 2017 (and What You Can Do About It)

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Jordan Johnson – Marriage & Family Therapist, was recently interviewed by NBCnews.com and asked how new marriage trends are impacting relationships today. Follow the link below to see what he has to say:

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/better/5-ways-marriage-harder-2017-n768876

To schedule and appointment with Jordan, call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801.944.4555

 

 

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What Every Parent Should Know About “Happily Ever After”

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On any given day kids and teens may feel joy, wonder, disappointment, rage, jealousy, and endless other feelings. Yet, many kids will inevitably learn from parents or peers that “happy” is the only emotion acceptable to express or even experience. “Happiness” in our culture tends to reign supreme as the highest aspiration – the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is what we are taught to aim for – what we all deserve.

I commonly hear parents say to their kids:

  1. I just want you to be happy.
  1. “How can you be so down? Just look at all you have to be happy about.”
  1. Just focus on the positive. You’re dragging everyone down.”

Though these parents have good intentions, their statements might imply that if kids are not contented, they are somehow failing, or that happiness is the only feeling others are comfortable with. Children may respond to these messages by feigning a cheerful disposition and generally suppressing negative feelings to please parents. Unfortunately, suppressing feelings can compromise a child’s psychological well-being and fuel unhealthy behaviors.

Pain is a critical part of the human experience and in most cases, it is healthiest to confront it head on. Encourage children to acknowledge and accept emotions such as anger or hurt by using mindfulness meditation strategies. If your child seems overwhelmed by her emotions, encourage her to find a way to express them: talk to someone she trusts, write in a journal, create a work of art, or see a mental health therapist. Let us teach children that no one’s life is solely full of sunshine and that to live fully, we must stand in the occasional rainstorm.

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Attuning To Our Partners In Small Moments

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According to John Gottman, in every interaction in our significant relationships, there is an opportunity to attune or turn away. We have many experiences where we notice our partner, and we make a choice: “Do I ATTUNE myself to what is going on, “ or “Do I Turn Away?” Pay attention to what happens when you turn away. What are your thoughts? What happens to the other person? What does your body feel like? What do you choose instead?

A-T-T-U-N-E is an acronym for just how to turn toward our partners in a supportive and empathetic way. Our job with each other is to create emotional safety, and it is through small moments, like attuning, that create stability and ongoing romance. When we feel acknowledged, we feel secure and safe.

A- Acknowledge

T- Turn Toward

T- Tolerance

U- Understanding

N- Non-Defensive

E- Empathy

Here are some fun ways to practice attuning opportunities:

  • Go for a walk with a spouse or child.
  • Plan a picnic.
  • Cook dinner together.
  • Call each other during the workday.
  • Volunteer in the community.
  • Plan an outing together: hike, bike, or drive.
  • Visit the beach.
  • Go dancing together.
  • Plan to attend brunch.
  • Get away to a secret location.

What ever you decide, remember the importance of attuned engagement and the strengthening power it has.

For extra support, or repair, in your relationship make an appointment with Wasatch Family Therapy at 801.944.4555.

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Couples Say The Darndest Things

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Couples therapy is extremely rewarding and challenging for all who participate.  In therapy, there is nothing more powerful than seeing a couple re-kindle their trust and affection.  On the flip side, there is nothing more vicious than a couple’s diabolical pattern of criticism and contempt.
Here is an article I wrote about some of the poignant things couples have said in couples counseling:
https://understandingtherapy.com/2017/05/04/couples-say-the-darndest-things/#more-1079
To schedule a session with Michael Morgan, call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801.944.4555

 

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